Helplessly Devoted

Friendships are particular forms of devotion. I believe I am devoted to my best friends deeper than I am to lovers. My girl friends become my refuge and my ideal as I admire them for their style, strength and growth. I secretly pine for their approval and sometimes harbour secrets out of fear of losing them. But when I am reminded that they are equally devoted to me, confiding in me with their deepest treasures, I am overcome with relief and revived adoration. Between women, we seek to protect and see each other grow. The times of hesitation and awkwardness can arise, but these are smoothed differently, easily, as our beating hearts feel the same again.

My teenage years were chaotic, and jealousy or petty rumors ran across everybody’s lips as common as vapes. Everybody hated each other and pretended to be friends for life, but those with whom you weathered that storm stay with you for life. As I grew older and the world started to open its dizzyingly cold arms to me, I started to see my girl friends as not only precious but necessary.

Feminism was always mocked in our small Swiss towns, ridiculed for its excesses and incoherences, so it was only when adulthood started to pick open the folds of my eyes and brain that I saw the misogynistic plaques stuck to me like a leper. Feeling the pain of being a woman, looking up and seeing my dearest friends echoing that same pain, I felt helplessly attached to them. “Allies” is a heartless way to say love against a war. My friends are beautiful, accomplished, strong, with exceptional style, humor and tastes, and I could not imagine a world without cherishing their being.

So even through fights, through their wrongs, I see myself in their mistakes, and all I can do is laugh and hug them, because they’re my girls and not a thing in this world could make me lose devotion.